Saturday, 12 January 2008

• :: my precious angel boy ::

   

  with his presents...grinning at darren.  it was so much fun taking pictures of his first christmas.

  

  no, he doesn't sleep all the time but i love these pictures of him! so peaceful and trusting. i'll always love you, precious baby!

  

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  which reminds me of this.....I came across this the other day and somehow I could relate.

  I’ve clung so tightly….made so many plans…dreamed so many dreams…cried so many tears. And now it seems he’s asking me to let go. Why? These are my beautiful dreams, my precious plans…why is he taking them away? Why can’t I hold onto them…why can’t I at least take comfort in knowing that these near perfect plans are of my own making? But they have become a burden almost, they loom up dark and imposing between me and my God. They are my own precious dreams but am I willing to have them keep me from my Father? Oh, but my dreams have become a part of me!…taking deep root in my heart and thoughts and it would be so painful to let them go. How can I? Can I truly let go of what seems to have become a part of my heart? Or will I continue clinging to them with near death grip…and meanwhile lose sight of my precious Jesus?

  On one hand I desperately want my glowing fantasies to come true…on the other hand I love my Redeemer far more than to let a chasm grow between his hand and mine. But he continues to be so patient as I struggle and nearly fight with my self. In one moment of sheer exasperation and frustration I throw it all down at his feet…begging him to take every scrap of it, every glamorous fantasy, every enticing dream, and cast them out of sight of my unwilling heart. I turn my back on them and try with sheer willpower to forget that they exist. Surely I am strong enough to conquer them….but no! Suddenly I find my hands tightly wrapped around my dreams once again! Why?! I let them go! Why are they in my hands again….and why, oh why can’t I lay them at His feet?! The struggle continues….his hands patiently, gently outstretched….my hands desperately, almost frantically clenched. Free me, Father God! I need You….my own strength against my will is not enough.

  And he gives strength…with all the strength he has offered me I tear down the wall, pull out the roots, unclench my hands and, bleeding, place my precious dreams in his nail scarred hands. My hands are bloodstained and I see in my palms scars that this death to a dream has cost me. And suddenly I see….my hands, my small wounded hands, match His! My Jesus! My beautiful, gentle Father God….you have opened my eyes to beauty far beyond the glamour of my dreams. You have shown me beauty through pain. 

  I'm weeping, completely in awe of His mercy. In the strength of the Redeemer there is beauty through pain! Not just in spite of but actually because of pain! When I lay down my dreams in order to take up my cross the Father pulls back the curtain to beauty indescribable. The tears somehow soothe the most tender places of my heart…my Jesus brings healing. Wholly committed, I place my scarred hand in His scarred hand. My Jesus and I are one…the chasm swallowed by perfect unity. He offers so much to one so unworthy. My heart is completely trusting…now at peace with the Savior of my soul!

  Maybe I could kind of relate because there are a few particular dreams that I’ve held on to pretty tightly. Maybe it was because it feels like God has been asking me recently to let go…and it really is hard. Complete and total trust…why is it difficult? We hold on to our “securities” so tightly…but the fact is that those “securities” are so very temporal. Why is it hard for us to trust the only One who truly is secure? His patience amazes me…He really is trustworthy!

  Do you trust Him?

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